You have given me a lot to think about. Thank you. I'll be a good girl and schedule time to talk to you about what you've just made me think about.
Immediately, two things come to mind:
1) is it possible to ask Cayde if he's into me 'that way' and ask him just to say yes or no, I don't need to know why, so I can believe it's not my face/ears/claws/tail and it's just the chemistry's not right?
2) I really, really needed to hear what you said about Soundwaves. Thank you. I have...almost a compulsion...to take care of them. I'm safe with your world's Soundwave, and I always have been, because even before he was married, he was absolutely in love with someone else. I really thank you, though, for telling me that it doesn't matter whether the other two want or need me or not; because I have the right, and the duty to myself, not to risk my own heart, spark and mind until I am sure I can say no and mean it, no matter what they ask of me.
I needed permission not to care what they want or need, for some reason. We probably should talk about that. There's no reason I should feel obligated to either of those two mechs because I was in love with another version of them, and there's no reason deleted compliance coding should still be giving me compulsions. They are grown-aft mechs and they can take care of themselves and my purpose in life is not to serve their needs (or anyone else's.)
Before the war, my previous owner forced me into the cassette/hostmech relationship with Soundwave. Soundwave had gone into debt to him to purchase me, my brother, and my sister, so that we would be safe from our owner. And if Soundwave wanted to take us with him to his offworld post before we were paid for, there were going to be protections put in place so that he didn't just let us go. After the war began...our ability to function as deployers was considered a military advantage, and then we got Rumble and Frenzy.
(The gift that keeps on giving.)
I probably should have told Megatron to go fuck himself on that one. I wish I had. I've said worse things to him and got away with only a dirty look, but at the time, I was all starry-eyed.
That is something you can do, but you have to consider that even if you don't know why, you might start thinking it's because of your frame regardless. Logical thought and emotional thought are completely disconnected; logically you know you don't actually know the reason and it could be anything, emotionally you might start filling it in yourself with a trauma you experienced before because that's the most outstanding experience you have in this case.
You value your independence so highly, so working on something that may stand in the way of it is definitely a priority. You can love Soundwave as you do but still be unwilling to drop everything for him without making the choice yourself.
That's why I don't want to lose it, and also why I don't know what to do with it. Being with Soundwave hurt but it was familiar. But I have Megatron for the familiar. He talked me into doing some vile and stupid slag once upon a time, but he regrets it and so do I and we're both actively working to become better, more independent and more conscientious people. And I have Drift, who I've known since I was ridiculously young.
Besides, neither the spooky one nor the one who looks just like the one I remember are actually the person I loved.
So really I need to love me. A long time ago Riptide asked me if I loved Soundwave or Megatron more. This was on the Lost Light. I threatened him, of course.
But at the Ball I told him I finally had the answer and that is that I choose me.
I know what you mean, I do. It's just that we've had three dates. That's usually when it starts to be obvious whether or not you're into each other or comfortably sliding into the friendzone, which is also a good place to be, it's just...you know.
I'm a hybrid. Sometimes I wonder if some of my coding came from a pleasure drone. On the other hand, I see the other Decepticons walking around with cracks and new welds and think, maybe my way of burning off stress is a little bit better?
Trying to be better than you were the day before is all you really can do. All of us have done things to each other that are unforgivable.
I think... it might be best to have an honest and open discussion with him. I hope it doesn't end up hurting you, but I think knowing for certain what the deal between you two is for certain will be better for you in the long run than keeping it all vague.
For the record, as long as you don't come to the medibay with a bunch of stuff stuck up inside you because you wanted to experiment, I'm inclined to agree that your way is better than punching each other in the halls.
I can only imagine the wildly bizarre variety of items you've removed from inside of people. I won't say my tastes are prosaic, but I value the integrity of my internal anatomy.
I did once get stuck in a bulkhead with Skywarp. But that wasn't my fault.
Sometimes it's genuinely impressive they got a certain object so far inside themselves. Both as a matter of biology and also before they realised it wasn't doing anything for them.
Ravage cracks up just reading this text. When she's done wheezing, she replies.
Well, you know, if they can't feel what they're putting up there, perhaps that's why it takes them so long to figure out it's not working?
I don't know. I had problems when I was younger, but not since I got myself past it. Whatever coding I have, it wasn't going to let me stay messed up, so there's that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
I thought I was being super obvious, actually.
You have given me a lot to think about. Thank you. I'll be a good girl and schedule time to talk to you about what you've just made me think about.
Immediately, two things come to mind:
1) is it possible to ask Cayde if he's into me 'that way' and ask him just to say yes or no, I don't need to know why, so I can believe it's not my face/ears/claws/tail and it's just the chemistry's not right?
2) I really, really needed to hear what you said about Soundwaves. Thank you.
I have...almost a compulsion...to take care of them. I'm safe with your world's Soundwave, and I always have been, because even before he was married, he was absolutely in love with someone else. I really thank you, though, for telling me that it doesn't matter whether the other two want or need me or not; because I have the right, and the duty to myself, not to risk my own heart, spark and mind until I am sure I can say no and mean it, no matter what they ask of me.
I needed permission not to care what they want or need, for some reason. We probably should talk about that. There's no reason I should feel obligated to either of those two mechs because I was in love with another version of them, and there's no reason deleted compliance coding should still be giving me compulsions. They are grown-aft mechs and they can take care of themselves and my purpose in life is not to serve their needs (or anyone else's.)
Before the war, my previous owner forced me into the cassette/hostmech relationship with Soundwave. Soundwave had gone into debt to him to purchase me, my brother, and my sister, so that we would be safe from our owner. And if Soundwave wanted to take us with him to his offworld post before we were paid for, there were going to be protections put in place so that he didn't just let us go. After the war began...our ability to function as deployers was considered a military advantage, and then we got Rumble and Frenzy.
(The gift that keeps on giving.)
I probably should have told Megatron to go fuck himself on that one. I wish I had. I've said worse things to him and got away with only a dirty look, but at the time, I was all starry-eyed.
no subject
That is something you can do, but you have to consider that even if you don't know why, you might start thinking it's because of your frame regardless. Logical thought and emotional thought are completely disconnected; logically you know you don't actually know the reason and it could be anything, emotionally you might start filling it in yourself with a trauma you experienced before because that's the most outstanding experience you have in this case.
You value your independence so highly, so working on something that may stand in the way of it is definitely a priority. You can love Soundwave as you do but still be unwilling to drop everything for him without making the choice yourself.
no subject
That's why I don't want to lose it, and also why I don't know what to do with it. Being with Soundwave hurt but it was familiar. But I have Megatron for the familiar. He talked me into doing some vile and stupid slag once upon a time, but he regrets it and so do I and we're both actively working to become better, more independent and more conscientious people. And I have Drift, who I've known since I was ridiculously young.
Besides, neither the spooky one nor the one who looks just like the one I remember are actually the person I loved.
So really I need to love me. A long time ago Riptide asked me if I loved Soundwave or Megatron more. This was on the Lost Light. I threatened him, of course.
But at the Ball I told him I finally had the answer and that is that I choose me.
I know what you mean, I do. It's just that we've had three dates. That's usually when it starts to be obvious whether or not you're into each other or comfortably sliding into the friendzone, which is also a good place to be, it's just...you know.
I'm a hybrid. Sometimes I wonder if some of my coding came from a pleasure drone. On the other hand, I see the other Decepticons walking around with cracks and new welds and think, maybe my way of burning off stress is a little bit better?
no subject
All of us have done things to each other that are unforgivable.
I think... it might be best to have an honest and open discussion with him. I hope it doesn't end up hurting you, but I think knowing for certain what the deal between you two is for certain will be better for you in the long run than keeping it all vague.
For the record, as long as you don't come to the medibay with a bunch of stuff stuck up inside you because you wanted to experiment, I'm inclined to agree that your way is better than punching each other in the halls.
no subject
I can only imagine the wildly bizarre variety of items you've removed from inside of people. I won't say my tastes are prosaic, but I value the integrity of my internal anatomy.
I did once get stuck in a bulkhead with Skywarp. But that wasn't my fault.
no subject
Both as a matter of biology and also before they realised it wasn't doing anything for them.
no subject
Well, you know, if they can't feel what they're putting up there, perhaps that's why it takes them so long to figure out it's not working?
I don't know. I had problems when I was younger, but not since I got myself past it. Whatever coding I have, it wasn't going to let me stay messed up, so there's that.
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It never does.
I'm glad you were sparked with a little bit of sense, Ravage.
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There are things she could say about why she's so fond of her internal anatomy staying intact and integrated, but not on the intranet.