(Great I just realised...people are going to think I stole those from the human girl on the intranet. I've been using =^^= since I was 18 and her ancestors were picking bugs off each other in trees. And I don't do all those other really weird ones.)
I don't even think I know what planet 'okay' actually lives on.
I do not know how to date. I'm doing it. But I'm sure I'm doing it all wrong. I don't know how to tell if someone is actually attracted enough to me to want me as more than a friend, and I am afraid to ask, because if they're not, and it's because of my frame, that will make me feel terrible.
I don't know whether going out with the same person a lot without saying anything about why you're choosing to drink, eat, and play games together more often than not even means anything.
I don't know how to just go out and hook up with someone anymore, because there is nobody aboard this ship that I'm not likely to have to put up with for the entire rest of my life. (And yes I have toys but I would also like to be able to hold another person while we get off.)
I have been in love with someone for over four million years that I could not have, because I had been cassettified and he was my host, and he was too damn scrupulous. (I contended that since I was already impaired, I ought to at least get to enjoy the situation.) We only talked about it the once, because if we talked about it we had to stop pretending that it didn't hurt. However, we had a telepathic bond, so there was an awful lot to deny and not talk about.
The existence of this telepathic bond meant that nobody else was going to get in a serious romantic relationship with me either, because being in a relationship with me meant being in a relationship with him. I had and still have a serious platonic relationship. But that person was also involved with him, and as a matter of fact, when that person and he stopped being friends, he tried to make me kill him.
(I am so not okay.)
I am probably never going to see him again in my life.
I am torn between weeping over that and being fantastically grateful that I am 100% free of the mess.
I am torn between wanting to be in a relationship, but not wanting it to be serious, wanting to get laid like nobody's business, and not wanting to ever belong to anyone ever again.
There are three people on this ship who have the same name as that person and all of them resemble him. Even the one who looks nothing like him physically has a similar field texture. I only trust myself with the one that I know is in love with someone else and now happily married to him.
The other two scare the slag out of me. I would really like to spend time with them, but I don't want to get sucked in to another impossible slagsucking telepathic bond with someone that I can't be in love with (especially not if I am). Also I'm likely to end up on the other side of a really big problem with one of them.
I would really like to clang someone. The mech I am dating would be absolutely a fine candidate for this. There are several other people on this ship that I am also somewhat attracted to, should it turn out that he just wants to be friends. But. I don't want to be serious and committed to a single person right now because I'm already in a millions-of-years-long platonic commitment and I have never been actually emotionally free before. So, you know, I'm kind of afraid that if I get going with the person I'm dating, I will suddenly no longer be a free agent.
Being in this fucked-up situation didn't stop me from fooling around but at the end of the war (ha ha, it was not really over) I ended up on a ship full of Autobots guarding my best friend. This was not conducive to hooking up although I did hook up with one person a couple of times. She is not here either.
So it's been a long time.
I hate this. Decepticons in my universe are frequently slutty if they're not in a serious relationship, and sometimes even if they are. In my own universe, had that telepathic bond been severed without resolution, I would know where to meet people until I was ready to consider a more serious thing. Here, this does not seem to be true.
Solus' anterior node, what even is my life, Ratch?
People are too complicated for there to be a "right" or "wrong" way to date. I mean-- the obvious no-nos exist, but otherwise? It's gonna be different for everyone. You're not wrong because you're afraid of pursuing a line of questioning that could severely affect your mental health, even if living in fear of the answer hurts too. You're responding to what is essentially a sheathed knife you can see.
Eventually, you will have to put these things on the table and admit to them that you're interested so there can be honesty in the relationship, but it has to be a relationship first, right? We've all only been here a couple months. Not long at all. The same would have to be said for any casual interfacing, seeing as we're all stuck here, literally, in the same boat. We don't yet know how the space bridge works, either.
(Then again, I will admit the sexual side of things are easier for me to ignore, as it's never interested me. I am doing my best with the training I have here, but I will say outright there is a very basic level I don't entirely click with it all on. I know this isn't fully the problem, but I should be transparent.)
[he considers telling her about being in love with wheeljack for so long but never saying anything because he's certain it was unrequited, but decides that can go to his grave with him.]
You can weep for both. You don't have to feel a certain way about it, as it's a complicated situation and I don't think anyone would be able to say "actually, this is what you should do to get out of this unscathed." Even with my qualification, it would be naive to think it was that easy, even if it would be nice if it was, because I don't want to see you hurt.
We should also talk, sometime, about feeling like being in a serious relationship means belonging to someone.
I'm trying to work out multiverse therapy with all this, which means I can professionally name all this as a scrudstorm and no-one can stop me, because no-one else is doing this.
When it comes to this person you feel drawn to because of the bond you had with another version, all I can do is advise you keep clear from the ones you feel uncomfortable around until you have built your own confidence and strength up to know that even if they got on their knees and asked for a similar bond, you could deny them if that was what you truly wanted to do.
You have given me a lot to think about. Thank you. I'll be a good girl and schedule time to talk to you about what you've just made me think about.
Immediately, two things come to mind:
1) is it possible to ask Cayde if he's into me 'that way' and ask him just to say yes or no, I don't need to know why, so I can believe it's not my face/ears/claws/tail and it's just the chemistry's not right?
2) I really, really needed to hear what you said about Soundwaves. Thank you. I have...almost a compulsion...to take care of them. I'm safe with your world's Soundwave, and I always have been, because even before he was married, he was absolutely in love with someone else. I really thank you, though, for telling me that it doesn't matter whether the other two want or need me or not; because I have the right, and the duty to myself, not to risk my own heart, spark and mind until I am sure I can say no and mean it, no matter what they ask of me.
I needed permission not to care what they want or need, for some reason. We probably should talk about that. There's no reason I should feel obligated to either of those two mechs because I was in love with another version of them, and there's no reason deleted compliance coding should still be giving me compulsions. They are grown-aft mechs and they can take care of themselves and my purpose in life is not to serve their needs (or anyone else's.)
Before the war, my previous owner forced me into the cassette/hostmech relationship with Soundwave. Soundwave had gone into debt to him to purchase me, my brother, and my sister, so that we would be safe from our owner. And if Soundwave wanted to take us with him to his offworld post before we were paid for, there were going to be protections put in place so that he didn't just let us go. After the war began...our ability to function as deployers was considered a military advantage, and then we got Rumble and Frenzy.
(The gift that keeps on giving.)
I probably should have told Megatron to go fuck himself on that one. I wish I had. I've said worse things to him and got away with only a dirty look, but at the time, I was all starry-eyed.
That is something you can do, but you have to consider that even if you don't know why, you might start thinking it's because of your frame regardless. Logical thought and emotional thought are completely disconnected; logically you know you don't actually know the reason and it could be anything, emotionally you might start filling it in yourself with a trauma you experienced before because that's the most outstanding experience you have in this case.
You value your independence so highly, so working on something that may stand in the way of it is definitely a priority. You can love Soundwave as you do but still be unwilling to drop everything for him without making the choice yourself.
That's why I don't want to lose it, and also why I don't know what to do with it. Being with Soundwave hurt but it was familiar. But I have Megatron for the familiar. He talked me into doing some vile and stupid slag once upon a time, but he regrets it and so do I and we're both actively working to become better, more independent and more conscientious people. And I have Drift, who I've known since I was ridiculously young.
Besides, neither the spooky one nor the one who looks just like the one I remember are actually the person I loved.
So really I need to love me. A long time ago Riptide asked me if I loved Soundwave or Megatron more. This was on the Lost Light. I threatened him, of course.
But at the Ball I told him I finally had the answer and that is that I choose me.
I know what you mean, I do. It's just that we've had three dates. That's usually when it starts to be obvious whether or not you're into each other or comfortably sliding into the friendzone, which is also a good place to be, it's just...you know.
I'm a hybrid. Sometimes I wonder if some of my coding came from a pleasure drone. On the other hand, I see the other Decepticons walking around with cracks and new welds and think, maybe my way of burning off stress is a little bit better?
Trying to be better than you were the day before is all you really can do. All of us have done things to each other that are unforgivable.
I think... it might be best to have an honest and open discussion with him. I hope it doesn't end up hurting you, but I think knowing for certain what the deal between you two is for certain will be better for you in the long run than keeping it all vague.
For the record, as long as you don't come to the medibay with a bunch of stuff stuck up inside you because you wanted to experiment, I'm inclined to agree that your way is better than punching each other in the halls.
I can only imagine the wildly bizarre variety of items you've removed from inside of people. I won't say my tastes are prosaic, but I value the integrity of my internal anatomy.
I did once get stuck in a bulkhead with Skywarp. But that wasn't my fault.
Sometimes it's genuinely impressive they got a certain object so far inside themselves. Both as a matter of biology and also before they realised it wasn't doing anything for them.
Ravage cracks up just reading this text. When she's done wheezing, she replies.
Well, you know, if they can't feel what they're putting up there, perhaps that's why it takes them so long to figure out it's not working?
I don't know. I had problems when I was younger, but not since I got myself past it. Whatever coding I have, it wasn't going to let me stay messed up, so there's that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
My free time is very limited, but I can always make space for you when you want it, Ravage.
no subject
Like everyone else.
=^^=
(Great I just realised...people are going to think I stole those from the human girl on the intranet. I've been using =^^= since I was 18 and her ancestors were picking bugs off each other in trees. And I don't do all those other really weird ones.)
no subject
One of the first and biggest hurdles people need to overcome is accepting that they are not okay.
I wouldn't worry about that, I don't think anyone's going to accuse you of stealing it.
cw : sex talk (also cannot be read IC by anyone but Ratchet = OOC reading is fine)
I do not know how to date. I'm doing it. But I'm sure I'm doing it all wrong. I don't know how to tell if someone is actually attracted enough to me to want me as more than a friend, and I am afraid to ask, because if they're not, and it's because of my frame, that will make me feel terrible.
I don't know whether going out with the same person a lot without saying anything about why you're choosing to drink, eat, and play games together more often than not even means anything.
I don't know how to just go out and hook up with someone anymore, because there is nobody aboard this ship that I'm not likely to have to put up with for the entire rest of my life. (And yes I have toys but I would also like to be able to hold another person while we get off.)
I have been in love with someone for over four million years that I could not have, because I had been cassettified and he was my host, and he was too damn scrupulous. (I contended that since I was already impaired, I ought to at least get to enjoy the situation.) We only talked about it the once, because if we talked about it we had to stop pretending that it didn't hurt. However, we had a telepathic bond, so there was an awful lot to deny and not talk about.
The existence of this telepathic bond meant that nobody else was going to get in a serious romantic relationship with me either, because being in a relationship with me meant being in a relationship with him. I had and still have a serious platonic relationship. But that person was also involved with him, and as a matter of fact, when that person and he stopped being friends, he tried to make me kill him.
(I am so not okay.)
I am probably never going to see him again in my life.
I am torn between weeping over that and being fantastically grateful that I am 100% free of the mess.
I am torn between wanting to be in a relationship, but not wanting it to be serious, wanting to get laid like nobody's business, and not wanting to ever belong to anyone ever again.
There are three people on this ship who have the same name as that person and all of them resemble him. Even the one who looks nothing like him physically has a similar field texture. I only trust myself with the one that I know is in love with someone else and now happily married to him.
The other two scare the slag out of me. I would really like to spend time with them, but I don't want to get sucked in to another impossible slagsucking telepathic bond with someone that I can't be in love with (especially not if I am). Also I'm likely to end up on the other side of a really big problem with one of them.
I would really like to clang someone. The mech I am dating would be absolutely a fine candidate for this. There are several other people on this ship that I am also somewhat attracted to, should it turn out that he just wants to be friends. But. I don't want to be serious and committed to a single person right now because I'm already in a millions-of-years-long platonic commitment and I have never been actually emotionally free before. So, you know, I'm kind of afraid that if I get going with the person I'm dating, I will suddenly no longer be a free agent.
Being in this fucked-up situation didn't stop me from fooling around but at the end of the war (ha ha, it was not really over) I ended up on a ship full of Autobots guarding my best friend. This was not conducive to hooking up although I did hook up with one person a couple of times. She is not here either.
So it's been a long time.
I hate this. Decepticons in my universe are frequently slutty if they're not in a serious relationship, and sometimes even if they are. In my own universe, had that telepathic bond been severed without resolution, I would know where to meet people until I was ready to consider a more serious thing. Here, this does not seem to be true.
Solus' anterior node, what even is my life, Ratch?
1/2
Eventually, you will have to put these things on the table and admit to them that you're interested so there can be honesty in the relationship, but it has to be a relationship first, right? We've all only been here a couple months. Not long at all. The same would have to be said for any casual interfacing, seeing as we're all stuck here, literally, in the same boat. We don't yet know how the space bridge works, either.
(Then again, I will admit the sexual side of things are easier for me to ignore, as it's never interested me. I am doing my best with the training I have here, but I will say outright there is a very basic level I don't entirely click with it all on. I know this isn't fully the problem, but I should be transparent.)
[he considers telling her about being in love with wheeljack for so long but never saying anything because he's certain it was unrequited, but decides that can go to his grave with him.]
You can weep for both. You don't have to feel a certain way about it, as it's a complicated situation and I don't think anyone would be able to say "actually, this is what you should do to get out of this unscathed." Even with my qualification, it would be naive to think it was that easy, even if it would be nice if it was, because I don't want to see you hurt.
We should also talk, sometime, about feeling like being in a serious relationship means belonging to someone.
I'm trying to work out multiverse therapy with all this, which means I can professionally name all this as a scrudstorm and no-one can stop me, because no-one else is doing this.
When it comes to this person you feel drawn to because of the bond you had with another version, all I can do is advise you keep clear from the ones you feel uncomfortable around until you have built your own confidence and strength up to know that even if they got on their knees and asked for a similar bond, you could deny them if that was what you truly wanted to do.
no subject
no subject
I thought I was being super obvious, actually.
You have given me a lot to think about. Thank you. I'll be a good girl and schedule time to talk to you about what you've just made me think about.
Immediately, two things come to mind:
1) is it possible to ask Cayde if he's into me 'that way' and ask him just to say yes or no, I don't need to know why, so I can believe it's not my face/ears/claws/tail and it's just the chemistry's not right?
2) I really, really needed to hear what you said about Soundwaves. Thank you.
I have...almost a compulsion...to take care of them. I'm safe with your world's Soundwave, and I always have been, because even before he was married, he was absolutely in love with someone else. I really thank you, though, for telling me that it doesn't matter whether the other two want or need me or not; because I have the right, and the duty to myself, not to risk my own heart, spark and mind until I am sure I can say no and mean it, no matter what they ask of me.
I needed permission not to care what they want or need, for some reason. We probably should talk about that. There's no reason I should feel obligated to either of those two mechs because I was in love with another version of them, and there's no reason deleted compliance coding should still be giving me compulsions. They are grown-aft mechs and they can take care of themselves and my purpose in life is not to serve their needs (or anyone else's.)
Before the war, my previous owner forced me into the cassette/hostmech relationship with Soundwave. Soundwave had gone into debt to him to purchase me, my brother, and my sister, so that we would be safe from our owner. And if Soundwave wanted to take us with him to his offworld post before we were paid for, there were going to be protections put in place so that he didn't just let us go. After the war began...our ability to function as deployers was considered a military advantage, and then we got Rumble and Frenzy.
(The gift that keeps on giving.)
I probably should have told Megatron to go fuck himself on that one. I wish I had. I've said worse things to him and got away with only a dirty look, but at the time, I was all starry-eyed.
no subject
That is something you can do, but you have to consider that even if you don't know why, you might start thinking it's because of your frame regardless. Logical thought and emotional thought are completely disconnected; logically you know you don't actually know the reason and it could be anything, emotionally you might start filling it in yourself with a trauma you experienced before because that's the most outstanding experience you have in this case.
You value your independence so highly, so working on something that may stand in the way of it is definitely a priority. You can love Soundwave as you do but still be unwilling to drop everything for him without making the choice yourself.
no subject
That's why I don't want to lose it, and also why I don't know what to do with it. Being with Soundwave hurt but it was familiar. But I have Megatron for the familiar. He talked me into doing some vile and stupid slag once upon a time, but he regrets it and so do I and we're both actively working to become better, more independent and more conscientious people. And I have Drift, who I've known since I was ridiculously young.
Besides, neither the spooky one nor the one who looks just like the one I remember are actually the person I loved.
So really I need to love me. A long time ago Riptide asked me if I loved Soundwave or Megatron more. This was on the Lost Light. I threatened him, of course.
But at the Ball I told him I finally had the answer and that is that I choose me.
I know what you mean, I do. It's just that we've had three dates. That's usually when it starts to be obvious whether or not you're into each other or comfortably sliding into the friendzone, which is also a good place to be, it's just...you know.
I'm a hybrid. Sometimes I wonder if some of my coding came from a pleasure drone. On the other hand, I see the other Decepticons walking around with cracks and new welds and think, maybe my way of burning off stress is a little bit better?
no subject
All of us have done things to each other that are unforgivable.
I think... it might be best to have an honest and open discussion with him. I hope it doesn't end up hurting you, but I think knowing for certain what the deal between you two is for certain will be better for you in the long run than keeping it all vague.
For the record, as long as you don't come to the medibay with a bunch of stuff stuck up inside you because you wanted to experiment, I'm inclined to agree that your way is better than punching each other in the halls.
no subject
I can only imagine the wildly bizarre variety of items you've removed from inside of people. I won't say my tastes are prosaic, but I value the integrity of my internal anatomy.
I did once get stuck in a bulkhead with Skywarp. But that wasn't my fault.
no subject
Both as a matter of biology and also before they realised it wasn't doing anything for them.
no subject
Well, you know, if they can't feel what they're putting up there, perhaps that's why it takes them so long to figure out it's not working?
I don't know. I had problems when I was younger, but not since I got myself past it. Whatever coding I have, it wasn't going to let me stay messed up, so there's that.
no subject
It never does.
I'm glad you were sparked with a little bit of sense, Ravage.
no subject
There are things she could say about why she's so fond of her internal anatomy staying intact and integrated, but not on the intranet.